I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
what day is it and did you see me today?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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