I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
