i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
