i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
