saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
