A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
