I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
