Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
NoShamevember. You game?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
