wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
