im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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