Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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