At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
