I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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