it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
