If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
