I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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