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ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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