I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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