There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
