omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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