i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
