her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize