Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
