I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
