i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
