If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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