If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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