yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
