genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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