I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize