apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
