Who did Billy Mays play for?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize