You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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