I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
