I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
