Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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