I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
