I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
