Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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