Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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