im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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