Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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