Your dad touched me again.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
