I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
