I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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