I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
