i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
