I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
