my phone cant type all the emotion im having
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
