No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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