I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
