Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
