So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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