Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
