please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
