I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
