I have demons in me.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
