Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
