I puked a lego.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
