and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You took a bar mat shot.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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