It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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