I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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