if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
