i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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