i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
