i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Boobs speak an international language.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's shark week go big or go home
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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