i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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