I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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