I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
